friends' band appreciation night 04/28/2008

"The news hit me like a ton. I didn't know what I was waiting for. That day came like a rolling thunder and we were waiting for the sun. "Hey man I haven't seen you in a while." Get the hell out of this circumstance. Can't fight this kind of feeling that we're dealing with. I feel helpless and useless. It's clear now. This day's decided. I feel like I'm defeated. It's clear now this heart's divided. I feel like I'm defeated. Shivers shake the ground we're on. Cold feet dance in nervousness. Speechless with my hands in my pockets. Skin cracks as we march in. Sit down and let the feeling take control. Creepy. Can't hide it with a smile. I'm pretty sure I don't believe in god, but I can pretend for a little while."

i played this song for the one year anniversary of jamie's death last semester. right now, it runs clear through my head for david.

when it came to making my playlist this week, i wanted to pick a song that really signified our relationship. it was friends' band appreciation night, but i figured the one song i would choose would not interfere.

"There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
'thought I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in
(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in"

david elliot golub.
not dave. david.

a few days after i found out about david's death i had a meeting with goucher's chaplain, cynthia terry. my relationship with cynthia has never been a spiritual one; she was my mentor for LEAD and we're currently working together on the innovation grant to bring sexual assault awareness and response training programs to goucher. but for this, for this i really needed guidance. a co-worker told me at work that "this is all part of his big plan. he's testing you."



and for a millisecond, i believed in my coworker. and everything was okay. and that millisecond scared me. i don't believe in god in this almighty, all-knowing, all-doing being. and the fact that everything was okay when i let myself think that for one moment, yes, these feelings can be justified (or can they?). no. there is no such thing as justification, there is no such thing as moral right or wrong in this situation because he is still dead. as much as i was hesitant to tell cynthia about this moment, i knew she was the only person who had the ability to help me through it and understand it. and to my relief, she believes what i believe; trials are random. there is no big plan. shit happens and we deal and doesn't mean we aren't allowed to be confused about it.

the memorial was friday afternoon. after it ended, carolina, lela, and i drove to adams morgan to get falafel and then ventured to the neighborhood swings. talked through the sunset. back to carolina's for coca leaves and more talking. more memories. more imperfections.

our birthdays were 3 days apart.
he took me to my first fort reno.
and he was the first boy to ever hold my hand.

playlist of last night:

1) Hear You Me- Jimmy Eat World
2) Backs To It- Young Hearts
3) Tony Pence None the Richer- South Carey
4) Dry- Turboslut
5) W.A.C.K.- Wild and Crazy Kids
6) 1/3- Sick Fix
7) Hotel Fever- Mass Movement of the Moth / The Catalyst
8) Bridges- Loma Prieta
9) Appropriate Faith- Timber
10) Pigeon Perch- Friendly Fire
11) Tough Guy Older Brother Shit- 1994
12) Pink- The Max Levine Ensemble
13) Kaffa- The AKs
14) Purist- Attrition
15) Power Junkies- Coke Bust
16) Black Skies- Pulling Teeth
17) Suffer The Kids- Broadway Calls
18) Redneckties- The Riot Before